Saturday, December 20, 2014

My Eating Disorder Story.

Hello everyone! You'll have to excuse the dramatic title of this, because, well, this is dramatic I suppose but i'm really not very good at talking about these things. Also please excuse the terrible picture of me 2 years ago to the left, this was me in the worst time of the eating disorder.
I once made a video on my 'eating disorder' and put it on youtube, so if you're interested in that, it's on my channel but otherwise, feel free to read on about my story and how i got/am getting over it.

I'm not sure why it started, or how it started even, but gradually over time I was eating less and less, downloading countless calorie counting apps and worrying practically every minute of everyday about what I was putting into my body. "I'm just becoming healthy!" I explained to my mum, "I can't eat what I want forever!" I said. But this "health kick" i had started just whittled down to me eaten around 1,400 calories a day with no vitamins or minerals inside.

I know that doesn't sound too bad, and compared to some people, that's normal - but we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. Luckily, my mum and her friends and my friends and my grandparents had all noticed my weight loss, hair loss and horribly pale, lifeless looking skin, and they helped me, but I'm not gonna lie, it was ruddy hard.

The problem with this sick disorder was that it stuck around for a long time in my head, it still does! Everytime I pick up my second mince pie, or I take an extra rest day a mean little voice is niggling inside my brain telling me to stop. Images of horrible thinspo messages flash across my brain and I just have to stamp on them. Luckily now this obsessive habit has moved on and I focus on health and happiness now, making sure i 'exercise' these thoughts with doing "radical things" i wouldn't have done before such as making full fat cakes and having thirds and so on just occasionally.
Anywho, back then in 2012 or so, a 13 year old Esh decided she was sick of making herself look like a little boy compared to her friends who were getting all their womanly curves (I mean,  fate isn't really on my side in the boobs department - it's okay I don't mind, it means I can sleep on my front comfortably soooo... :'D ) and so made small steps to becoming healthy again. Well, to be honest the whole boobs and bum thing wasn't really the only reason I wanted to recover - my hair kept falling out, I felt really tired a lot and after a trip to the scales at Boots it got kind of scary.
A QUICK WARNING: if you are struggling with an eating disorder or are having mean body image-y thoughts about yourself, this is a trigger warning and this next bit contains numbers so if you are prone to being triggered by comparing please do NOT read.

I weighed around 6 and a half stone. Not good. I was about 5'6, and at my age and height I was being told that to be healthy and to...errr... get my lady visitor (if you know what I mean) I needed to be around 8ish-9ish stone; so I was off by quite a lot. My mum helped me a lot by taking me to weigh myself at the boots store once a week,and everytime that little receipt (oh my days that took me about 6 trials of writing that darn word!) popped out of the machine saying I'd gained a bit we had a little party (just kidding, it was more like a celebratory boogie). I became vegan at this point too which a lot of people thought was a terrible idea but I actually got up to my healthy weight on it. Eventually at some point in 2013 I stopped and went back to being vegetarian - it only lasted a little bit though until I went back to being vegan like I am now!

So that's basically it. Minus a few mean thoughts that say I need to be following a diet meal plan, I'm feeling pretty good. We choose our own happiness and today I choose joy.


BONUS SECTION, you lucky little things.
Now I don't really reccomend meal plans that are super strict and structured if you're at a healthy weight and are feeling good, trust me they just make you feel lost and a bit of a failcake if you can't follow them... not good! Buuuut, i did construct myself a rough plan when gaining weight just to keep me on track and I DON'T RECCOMEND COUNTING CALORIES but if you are determind enough to recover and trust yourself not to deprive your body, I counted my calories when gaining to make sure i was getting enough. If i hadn't hit my goal I would eat a few wholewheat digestive's and a calorie dense drink at night (I've forgotten what my goal was I think inbetween 2,100 -2,500 cals I thiiink. Now I eat roughly 1,800-2,300 depending on how active I've been.) .

Breakfast: big bowl of porridge made with full soya milk + nuts + higher cal fruit (e.g. bananas)
Snack: a granola bar + fruit OR couple of ricecakes + fruit
Lunch: a wholemeal sandwich + humous + salad + added fats or proteins like tofu or almonds or something OR soup + 2 pieces of wholewheat bread with humous
Snack : homemade vegan biscuit or cake or bread OR carrots and humous with some nuts or something
Dinner: whatever dad or mum made,  (all vegan) usually chilli with pitta bread, pasta with a vegetabley sauce, homemade pizza with salad, a roast, sausages mash and beans, that kinda thing!
Snack: a (soya) milky drink or yogurt with muesli.

Snacks varied and i would usually have a chai tea latte or a sweet milky drink every weekday as I go to school very near a starbucks!

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you thought it was somewhat helpful or insightful or something I just thought I would share incase you are feeling lost and need some help.

Also a quick note, I am not a dietician and whatever worked for me may not work for you and it is best to consult a local doctor <3

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